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[FrozenInTime]

Senior Moments


Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.


"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad, and I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"




He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[Chuck N]

Picture of a black woman with two different colored boobs...

MO.jpg (42.6 KiB) Viewed 1134 times

[Yankeedag]

Picture of a black woman with two different colored boobs...

MO.jpg

I see what you did there. Now that's funny right there.

[Chuck N]

The "Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a handsome, refined, retired gentleman in his late sixties
and the other is a shapely, voluptuous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat this.
What we have here is one mean, ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you had better be good or you're LUNCH.
Here's the equipment -- chair, whip, and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

The gal says,"I'll go first."
She walks right past the chair, whip and the gun and steps
right into the lion's cage.
The lion jumps to his feet and starts to snarl, pant and begins
to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her,
young, firm, beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her
and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and caress her entire body for several
minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough, old golfer replies,

"No problem,
Just get that damn lion out of there."

[FrozenInTime]

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate..

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

[Chuck N]

Ole was on his death-bed. He said to his wife, Lena, "Lena. Ven I die, I vant you to vait six months and then marry Swen."

Lena says, "But Ole. I thought you hated Swen."

Ole says, "I do."

[jimjohson]

old cow.jpg (105.73 KiB) Viewed 1085 times

[John Sand]

[FrozenInTime]

I was in a pub in central Minnesota last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me,
squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

MNgal.jpg (20.91 KiB) Viewed 1060 times

I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

[John Sand]

FIT, you don't fool me for a second. You'd hit that.

[jimjohson]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor went to check on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[FrozenInTime]

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud, so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

[FrozenInTime]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me;
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because
I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,


'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[FrozenInTime]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=697792916909836

[FrozenInTime]

WOMEN ARE UNIQUE....

Husband’s Text Message (by cell phone):

Honey, a car hit me when I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been taking tests and X-rays. The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that it did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.


Wife’s Response:

Who’s Paula?