In an effort to expand the football schedule to utterly insane lengths and cram as many crummy ideas down the sports world’s and humanity’s throats as possible, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell petitioned the United Nations and the International Astronomical Union (IAU) this week to add an additional month to earth’s calendar year.
“Fans have been clamoring for a longer schedule, expanded playoffs, a later, longer draft, and other opportunities to enjoy the year-round NFL experience instead of going outside on spring days or interacting with their families,” Goodell said. “Rewriting a calendar that has served the global community well for over 500 years is the next natural step in the league’s continued growth.”
The new month, called
Goodellary, will occur between January and February. The Super Bowl and other key NFL events will take place during Goodellary, which will consist of 30 days, plus an additional Leap Day whenever the Patriots are in the playoffs. It is the first consequential change to earth’s calendar since the switch from Julian to Gregorian in the late 16th century. “See, there’s precedent,” Goodell noted.As you can see, the addition of Goodellary and some other new calendar wrinkles is a necessary step toward accommodating roughly 57 weeks of NFL games and offseason activities:
September 7th: Labor Day. No NFL events scheduled. Labor Day is the only day of the year when the league is convinced no business can get done, even though most of us are off from work, autumn is around the corner, and college games seem to do just fine, ratings-wise.
September 10th: 24 Hour Kickoff Spectacular Concert featuring Imagine Dragons, Miranda Lambert, One Republic, and a bunch of minions dancing to Pharrell Williams. To clarify, the minions are not cute green lozenge characters, but Goodell’s actual minions.
September 11th: Packers at Seahawks, 8:30 PM. To honor the fans of the Pacific Northwest, the NFL schedules the first game of their championship defense for afternoon rush hour.
Monday, September 15th: Start of first-ever opening week Monday night triple header.
Tuesday, September 16th: The day the Raiders game of the triple-header actually kicks off, East Coast time.
Week 4: Start of Friday night Turner network exclusive television package.
Week 5: Start of Wednesday night Patriots game exclusive Netflix package.
Week 6: Start of Tuesday morning Jaguars game exclusive YouTube Keyboard Cat Channel package.
Thursday, November 27th: First-ever Thanksgiving quintuple header.
Wednesday November 26th, 11:30 PM: The day the Lions game actually kicks off, East Coast time.
January 4th: Week Seventeen.
January 11th: Week Eighteen.
January 25th: Week Umpteen.
February 1st: End of 32-team regular season.
February 8th Start of 32-team playoff. This will not seem excessive when the NFL expands to 48 teams in 2016. It will seem excessive again when the playoffs expand to 48 teams in 2018.
Goodellary 1st: Championship Weekend.
Goodellary 8th: Start of Super Bowl Week.
Goodellary 15th: Super Bowl. Viewership is not yet mandatory (legislation pending).
March and April: Pro Day Month. Call your cable provider now and demand Pro Day Network, which broadcasts every collegiate Pro Day live and reruns them at night.
May 7th: Draft, Part 1: Top Five Pick Spectacular!
May 8th: Draft, Part 2: Next Five Pick Spectacular!
May 9th: Remainder of first round.
May 11th-16th: Remainder of Draft. War-room underlings begin to think that they are part of a sequestered jury. He’s guilty. They are all guilty. HANG ‘EM ALL. JUST FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME HUG MY CHILDREN AGAIN.
July 5th: Hall of Fame game in Canton, Ohio. Did Goodell mention that training camp is now two months long and features eight preseason games per team, in cities like Oslo and Thimphu? Well, trust him: fans are clamoring for it.
By Mike Tanier, THE TAILGATER