Two good ol' boys in a Minnesota trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon
over a cold beer after getting off work at the local dump.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love
to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking
real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via the internet.
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
The 1st kind of sex is called: SmurfSex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say, 'F*** you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.*
This is when you cannot stand your wife/ husband any more. He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex.*You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own!!
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store and decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French which Murphy couldn"t understand. So, he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language and, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides
in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a golf ball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have sand wedge."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your sand
wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game
practice." The boy says,
"I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad."
The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit with me again. You're in my closet now!"
The Nong Brewery defines "Fermentation" as: Making "Rot" a Good Thing
Welcome to the BeerBorg Information Center. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Quite Futile: WE have BEER.
I love it when a complicated situation can be explained in such simple terms!
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING
SO, allow me to explain:
Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do --
1. raise the ceiling, or
2. pump out the shit?
Your choice is coming in November.
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
When you drink vodka over ice, it can cause kidney damage.
When you drink rum over ice it can cause liver damage.
When you drink whiskey over ice it can cause heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice it can cause brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
Sometimes it just takes a funny and clever redneck to tell it like it really is. How sad that all of it is true. Maybe we should send Jeff to Washington.
A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots by Jeff Foxworthy
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots.
If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots .
If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots.
If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt— you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots.
If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots.
If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots.
If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots.
If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots .
If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses, but is run by idiots.
If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.
What a country!
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
Welcome to the BeerBorg Information Center. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Quite Futile: WE have BEER.