Instead of sitting in your back doctor's office waiting for his latest prognosis, you could be sitting in your proctologist's office, waiting for an exam. You know, Dr. L.H. Bendover (LH stands for large hands). Here's a pic of LH's hand holding a can of beer:
Or, instead of living close to Ann Arbor and being a great U of M fan, you could be stuck living "Down Under" near a "university" where they study the tattoo market (determining what can be exchanged for tattoos, like signed jerseys).
See, things aren't so bad! Happy Birthday!