BeerBorg Beer Jokes...drink beer, tell joke

[TimeTraveler]

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Money isn't everything... But it sure keeps the kids In touch.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

[Brewbirds]

Amen Father TT

[TimeTraveler]

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, why do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

[TimeTraveler]

Redneck Computer Lingo
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

[TimeTraveler]

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.

I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.

What do you call a person rabid with wordplay? An energizer punny.

[FrozenInTime]

A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist, "I'd like to register as a candidate for the upcoming elections. "The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''

As he’s filling the form, he comes to the question, ''Are you circumcised?''

So, he asked the receptionist, "Is answering that question really necessary?"

She replied... "Well, yes, if you're circumcised, I'm afraid you're not eligible to run."

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

She replied...."To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick.”

[TimeTraveler]

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

[TimeTraveler]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

[FrozenInTime]

THE HAIRCUT

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[TimeTraveler]

Obituaries of those hanged in the old west used to be posted in the noose paper.

Bauxite refining is a secret carefully guarded by the aluminati.

The land where movies are made is called reel estate.

[TimeTraveler]

Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a Redneck if....

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

[TimeTraveler]

I keep reading 'The Lord of the Rings' over and over. I guess it's just force of hobbit.

I wasn't allowed to be in Star Wars, because I tested positive for droids.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

[rattlesnake]

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

This has got to be my favorite TT joke of all time

[TimeTraveler]

Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

[FrozenInTime]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,

“Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

”Passenger: “Who?

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.. He was an amazing guy!”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right!”

Passenger: “Wow... Some guy then!”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f**king widow.”