BeerBorg

TimeTraveler wrote:Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

If you build a man a fire, he'll be warm for the night.
If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

My rechargeable batteries are revolting.

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

A fly was hovering over a stream.
A fish saw the fly and thought if the fly drops 3 inches, he could jump and catch the fly.
A Bear saw the fish, and thought if the fish jumped to the surface, he could lean out and catch the fish.
A Hunter saw the Bear, and though if the bear leaned out just a bit more, he would have a perfect shot.
A mouse was behind the Hunter, and saw his sandwich. The mouse thought if the Hunter was distracted, he would be able to get to the sandwich.
A cat hiding not far from the Bear saw the mouse, and thought if that mouse was just a little closer, he could jump the stream and get the mouse.
The fly dropped 3 inches, the fish jumped and got the fly. The bear leaned forward and caught the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear. The mouse ran to the sandwich. The cat jumped and almost made it across the stream but fell in and got wet.
The moral of the story is: if a fly drops 3 inches, your pussy might get wet.

Yankeedag wrote:A fly was hovering over a stream.
A fish saw the fly and thought if the fly drops 3 inches, he could jump and catch the fly.
A Bear saw the fish, and thought if the fish jumped to the surface, he could lean out and catch the fish.
A Hunter saw the Bear, and though if the bear leaned out just a bit more, he would have a perfect shot.
A mouse was behind the Hunter, and saw his sandwich. The mouse thought if the Hunter was distracted, he would be able to get to the sandwich.
A cat hiding not far from the Bear saw the mouse, and thought if that mouse was just a little closer, he could jump the stream and get the mouse.
The fly dropped 3 inches, the fish jumped and got the fly. The bear leaned forward and caught the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear. The mouse ran to the sandwich. The cat jumped and almost made it across the stream but fell in and got wet.
The moral of the story is: if a fly drops 3 inches, your pussy might get wet.

This is an old one I've used before, but I think it is appropriate right now.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years. It does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Here's one for you guys from "Bahston"...

CROW KILLS
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird
Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98%
of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered
that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Love those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Now that ^^^^^ was funny!!!!!


Rick

A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation. Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

If you don't pay your exorcist you will get repossessed.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

More you might be a Red Neck from Jeff Foxworthy:

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

For our anniversary I got my wife one of those mood rings. It's really kind of neat; When she's "in the mood" it turns green. When she's sad it turns blue. When she's angry it leaves a large red mark on my fore head.

Next year I think I'll get her a diamond.

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"
"I turned out the light," the second man replied.

The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling."WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.No one answered."ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN NORTH DAKOTA! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN NORTH DAKOTA!"Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in North Dakota?"The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

I CAN NO LONGER SHOP AT CABELA'S

Gun Control. It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods Store. There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets. The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!