BeerBorg

Now that right there never gets old...

The boy-friend comes to pick up his date. Dad meets him at the door.

"Think fast!" he says and tosses something quick to the boy-friend.

Quick as a cat the boy-friend snatches the object out of the air. He looks at it and sees that it is a 12ga. shot-gun shell.

The dad nods at him and says, "Nice catch. But just to warn ya', they come at you one Hell of a lot faster after ten-o-clock."

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion.
"Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No. Replied the lion, I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
"Gorilla, Gorilla! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No, Replied the gorilla, I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
"Jaguar, Jaguar! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I have seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I am a four point tool eater Jaguar!"

Q: Why does a peanut wagon whistle?

A: You'd whistle too, if your nuts were roasting!

TimeTraveler wrote: "Because," replied the big cat, "I am a four point tool eater Jaguar!"

MODERATORS, MODERATORS! Quality of forum slipping quickly...

A couple goes out for supper at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself the lid of the pot rises slightly and she sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Goodness!" She exclaims. "Did you see that?"

Her husband says he hadn't seen anything and reaches for the lid to serve himself. As he does the lid rises and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams down. Angrily he calls the waiter over, tells him what happened and demands an explanation.

"Prease, sir," the waiter says. "What meal you order?"

"We ordered the Chicken Surprise," the husband answers.

"Oh! I so sorry," the waiter says. "I bring you the peeking duck."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

The Vet Solves a Problem




The only cow in a small South Dakota town (Peever) stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state
line in Minnesota for $200.

They brought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move
away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset
and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt
from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Minnesota?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Minnesota?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Minnesota."

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

I tinted my hair today. It was the highlight of my day.

FrozenInTime wrote:The Vet Solves a Problem




The only cow in a small South Dakota town (Peever) stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state
line in Minnesota for $200.

They brought the cow from Minnesota and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move
away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset
and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt
from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Minnesota?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Minnesota?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Minnesota."

Dear Abby:

I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a no-parole life sentence in Attica for rape & murder. The other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiance utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, off the heroin.

My problem is this; I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who plays football for NORTH DAKOTA STATE?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.

Homer Simpsonisms:

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.' "

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."