BeerBorg

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
Smile & hearts

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in
Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is .. . ... ..Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money....
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it." .....

FrozenInTime wrote:A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it." .....

Laffing like there's no tomorrow...so take this for what it's worth:

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband
to describe her.........

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet
wife
..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

Two rednecks are sitting on the front porch.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Damn".. says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW...."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might
have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:


The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said? “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?


Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”


Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”


THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED ...

A cop stops a motorist for running a stop sign. "Show me you license and registration please."
The motorist does not produce his paperwork, instead pleading his case: "Officer, I know I passed the stop sign, but I'm usually very careful and I slowed way down!"
"Sir, you are required to come to a full stop, please show me your paperwork."
"But I've never had a ticket, and I looked both ways. I was going really slow!"
"Sir, please step out of the car."
The puzzled motorist complies, and is shocked and pained when the police officer starts hitting him in the head with his night-stick.
"Now," the cop asks.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Do you want me to slow down? Or do you want me to stop?"

A Russian walks into a bar. "Give me a VT," he says.

Well the bar tender has been working his trade for many years and knows that the Russian is asking for a vodka and tonic and mixes one up and gives it to the Russian.

An Irishman comes into the bar. "Give me a WW," he orders.

Quick as a wink the bar tender mixes up a whiskey and water and slides it down to the Irishman.

Then a Norwegian enters the bar; "I'll have a 15," he says.

The bar tender is perplexed. "I've been at this job for many years but I've never heard of a 15," he tells the Norwegian. "Tell me what's in it and I'll make you one on the house."

"In Norway it's a Seven and Seven," the Norwegian answers.

Distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of

People having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference

Between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met

By your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still

Cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

Perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt

And having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome.


Both are fatal.

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor.
'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season begins