BeerBorg

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...




1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.


2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas is in it.


3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.


4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.


5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.


6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'


7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.


9 Your junior prom offered day care.


10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
'Gentlemen, start your engines. '


11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded
right off its wheels.


12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.


14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.


15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.


16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a
law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed

To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

THE BARBER

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?




The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'


The guy left.


A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,



'How long before I can get a haircut?'


The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'


The guy left.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'


The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a
half' .


The guy left.


The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes.


He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but he never comes back.

A little while later Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....


'Your house'

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."




Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, " Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota , but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.
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OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'
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THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

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VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian.

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

-------------------------------------


THE RELATIONS

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'
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MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
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THE PRANK CALL

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.

'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .

'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.'
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On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.

So Ole drove to Dulute.
-------------------------------

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'

'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.'

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom! 'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

I guess I'm the first one here!

A Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside
He says in a weakened voice "There is something I must confess".
"Shhhh" said the wife, " there is nothing to confess".
She holds his hand and caresses his head. "Everything is all right" she whispers.
"NO!!" the husband replied " I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!"
"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes"....

They sure don't make them like this no more!

Archie Bunker

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle
onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy. "No, not
at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

A Touching Christmas Story

A couple was Christmas shopping.The shopping center was packed - as
the wife walked through the mall she was surprised when she looked
around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was
quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried
that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.



In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers
we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you
one day?"



The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes... yes I do
remember that shop."



He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub right next door to
it."

Love that one Chuck!!

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

Guy is pulled over for speeding 1 mph over on the highway after an overpass speed trap nails him.

Cop: So whats the hurry? Late for work?

Guy: As a matter of fact I am! Important work too.

Cop: Yeah, sure..what do you do?

Guy: Well, I'm an asshole stretcher. I start with a few fingers, keep stretching and pulling until the asshole is about 6 foot tall.

Flabbergasted Cop: What the hell do you do with a 6 foot tall asshole?

Guy: Well, apparently you give it a badge, gun, radar, and squad car; then you place it on an overpass.

Needless to say, that Guy is not getting off on a warning!

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice...

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice...
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper. "