BeerBorg

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The
operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about
the same, but the ironing is piling up!"




My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to
prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all
of her clothes back.

Chuck N wrote:A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The
operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about
the same, but the ironing is piling up!"




My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to
prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all
of her clothes back.

SWMBO said, "that's terrible!!! Funny, but terrible!!"




Rick

Mostly the guys think this is funny...

My wife wanted to know if this guy was married... still.

A woman calls 911 "I think my husband is dead."
Operator "We need to be sure."
Woman "Okay, hold on" BLAM (gunshot)
"Now I'm sure!"

One morning at a doctor ‘s clinic a well built man arrives complaining of severe back pain, the doctor examines him and asks OK what happened to your back?
The patient replies “you know that I … work as a bouncer for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was
dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back”
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said “My previous patient looked bad. but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?”
He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you wont believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”
Then the 3rd patient arrives;
He even looks worse than the other two patients do and shivering like a reed. The doctor is now shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to you…..!!?”
“Well, it started like this…. I was sitting in my neighbor’s fridge”

Wisconsin Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was
$2,000.00 a year!!!

When they arrived in Wisconsin , they went to Sven's Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in
Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!

Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well,
here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance
Company , it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler
system over it, is $39.00".

I always did find Wisconsin logic far superior to most others.

A woman was shopping at the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She didn't know which one to get, so she just grabbed one and went over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She said to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He said, “Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway......

He said, “That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!” As she opened her purse, her credit card dropped onto the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he said."

She bent down to pick it up and accidentally farted.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rang up the sale and said, “That'll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replied, “Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Dynasty Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:




"Go look in the garage

10 Weird Alcohol Laws Around the World
1) Ohio - It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
2) San Salvador - Drunk driving is punishable by death by firing squad.
3) Scotland - It is illegal to be drunk while in possession of a cow.
4) Texas - It’s illegal to take more than 3 sips of beer while standing.
5) Switzerland - Illegal to produce, sell, store, or trade absinthe. It is legal, however, to consume it.
6) North Dakota - Beer and pretzels may not be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
7) Iran - Alcohol is banned entirely throughout the country. One case of a man who broke the law four times was sentenced to death.
8) Alaska - Illegal to give alcoholic beverages to a moose.
9) Missouri - In St. Louis, it is illegal to drink beer from a bucket while sitting on a street curb.
10) UK - It is illegal to be drunk in a club or pub. (Yeah, right.)

I wonder what was the last thing I "copied and pasted" on this computer... afraid to try it here...New thread time?

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT



The following is reputed to be an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

“Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

“This gives two possibilities:

“1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

“2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

“So which is it?

“If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct – leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being.

Which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’”

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.

He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
1 useless President.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.




I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS?

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK


1. Open a new file in your computer.


2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.


3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.


4. Empty the Recycle Bin.


5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'YES.'


7. Feel better?


GOOD -

Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

LMAO.
Oh, there's a list...