Yankeedag wrote:HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'YES.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD -
Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
That one got copy & pasted and sent out to all my buddies. Democan't and Republican.
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
The Sheriff of a small, old west town is sitting outside the local saloon when he sees a cowboy come riding into town. He rides up to the front of the saloon, gets off his horse and ties it to the hitchin' post. Then he takes his hat and beats all the dust off of himself, walks around to the back of his horse, lifts it's tail and plants a big, wet kiss right on the horse's a__hole.
As he walks past the Sheriff to go into the saloon the sheriff says, "Hold on there, son. Did I just see you kiss your horse's a__hole?"
"Yes you did," replies the cowboy.
"Well what in tarnation did you go and do somethin' like that for?"
The cowboy says, "My lips are powerful chapped."
"Does that help 'em?" the Sheriff asks.
"Not really," answers the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk.."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....
... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A Saskatchewan man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Sask recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
We here in Saskatchewan may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most
I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.
I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you... you're mine."
I lost 63 pounds that week.
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY
for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years. '
Things men have made with wakened hands, and put soft life into
Are awake through years with transferred touch and go on glowing
For long years.
And for this reason some old things are lovely
Warm still with the life of forgotten men who made them.
Two nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a carload of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside them.
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins," shouted one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turned to Sister Immaculata and said, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata wound down her window and shouted, "Screw off, you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off." Then she looked back at Mother Superior and asked, "Was that cross enough?"
A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'"
There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's chosen term was "political correctness".
The winning student wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. On all your check stubs, write 'For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7.. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8.. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the
world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished."
Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
His response was:
When you marry the right woman, you are "complete."
If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished;"
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one . . .
you are "completely finished."
His answer received a five-minute standing ovation.
The Nong Brewery defines "Fermentation" as: Making "Rot" a Good Thing
Welcome to the BeerBorg Information Center. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Quite Futile: WE have BEER.
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. Here is an example:
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
Welcome to the BeerBorg Information Center. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Quite Futile: WE have BEER.
