BeerBorg

German tea commercial, might have been posted before:

Click here, link won't work

OMG, I'm crying over that one FIT. You have redeemed all your bad jokes. Well, not really. But I liked the wifi one too.

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
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When you are over sixty who gives a shit............
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail, when an exceptionally handsome man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20---on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand, along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully whispered.....

"Clean my house."

BEST GENIE JOKE EVER



A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?’
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!’

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’

The old spinster goes the he doctor and says "I think I have crabs." The doctor does a quick exam and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry rotted and now you have fruit flies!"

Took me a few seconds to get it.. but when I did I could not stop laughing!! Those Aussies! LOL Love that cider!

On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create an area of land called The Midwest. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall hills and rolling plains full of game and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and streams full of trout, forests full of deer and turkeys, valleys with fertile soil with an abundance nutrients to grow things, and rivers teeming with fish." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Midwesterners, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Midwesterners?"
"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"

True Definition of a Co-Pilot

This seems to clear up a long-standing question.
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. j

When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on track.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything on the aeroplane.
She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fu^^^^g advice, he'll ask me for it."

Paddy texts his wife...

“Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "jerk". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Kate called him a "butt head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

These ppl put a ... different ... view on fracking! Fracking is how they get the oil outa da ground of late. Da gal is dead serious me thunks, funny as heck.

Very funny FIT.