BeerBorg

I once new a stripper named Nicole,
whose g-string got tangled on her pole.
Her lips caught steel and she proceeded to squeal:
"It's all just a part of the show!"
Brew On!

Ok, how about this:

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "what is this? A joke?!"

nighthawk wrote:Ok, how about this:

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "what is this? A joke?!"

Dork.

A polar bear walks into a bar. he says to the bartender, "Give me a...
...
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...beer."

The bartender says, "So what''s with the big pause?"

The polar bear shrugs and says, "I was born with them."

Chuck N wrote:A polar bear walks into a bar. he says to the bartender, "Give me a...
...
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...beer."

The bartender says, "So what''s with the big pause?"

The polar bear shrugs and says, "I was born with them."

?!?! Are you Swening me with that?

It works better if you say it out loud rather than just read it to yourself. Then "big pause" becomes "big paws". Then it will make sense.

Reminds me of this one:
A lawyer and his friend from the Czech Republic decided to go bear hunting. They found bear tracks and followed them until they found a large male bear. The lawyer was taking aim when a smaller female bear came out of the bushes, attacked and killed his friend. Before he could see what had happened, the lawyer ran away to get help. He found a Wildlife Officer and led him back to where the attack happened, but his buddy's body was nowhere to be found. He and the Wildlife Officer followed the tracks and came across the two bears. The officer asked him, "which one killed and ate your friend?" The lawyer replied, "it must be the bigger one, the male." The officer promptly shot the male bear and opened his belly, but no trace of his friend was found. They again tracked the other bear, killed it and opened it up, and sure enough, there were the remains of his friend. The moral of the story? Never believe a lawyer when he says the Czech is in the male.

ouch

A little girl asked her Mom,

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

If you aren't laughing... You aren't living!

Chuck ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of vodkas and she asked if he'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?

'What's that?' Chuck asked.

'It's a mother & daughter threesome, she said.

'No, he haven't', as his mind began to embrace the idea and wondered what her daughter might look like.

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

They went back to her place. They walked in...

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Hey Mom...you still awake?"

Alaska
Retirement

Jeff
had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of
the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in Alaska as far
from
humanity as possible. He sees the
postman once a week and
gets groceries
once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After
six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks
on his door. He opens it
and a huge, bearded man is standing
there.

"Name's
Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.
Having
a Christmas party Friday night.
Thought you might like to come at
about
5:00."

"Great",
says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to
meet
some local folks. Thank
you."

As Stan
is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be
some drinkin!"

"Not a
problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the
business, I can
drink with
the best of 'em."

Again, the
big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n'
likely
gonna be
some fighting' too."

"Well, I
get along with people, I'll be all right and, if
not, I can
handle
myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks
again."

"More'n
likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now
that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to
the idea.
"I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be
there. By the
way, what
should I wear?"

"Don't
much matter.

Just gonna
be the two of us.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to
celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans
forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me
that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our
children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have
been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped
for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I
must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he
did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was
admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear
in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her
husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

THE COYOTE
PRINCIPLE
Illinois

The Governor of Illinois is
jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks
the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to
intervene, but reflects upon the movie, "Bambi," and then realizes he
should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He
calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the
state $200, testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He
calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State
$200, testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and
spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting
his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for 6
months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the
area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000
in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of
the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to
better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease
throughout the world.
The Governor's security agent is fired for
not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new
agent with additional special training Re: the nature of
coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5
million suit against the state.
Texas
The Governor of
Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and
attacks his dog.
The Governor shoots the coyote with his
state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a
.45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
The buzzards eat the dead
coyote.
And that, my friends, is
why Illinois is broke and Texas is not. (This part
really happened in Texas.)

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."


Best explanation I've heard yet of Obama.