BeerBorg

You can retire to PHOENIX, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. ( IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ...

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR
You can retire to the Deep Southwhere...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everywhere is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder"..

OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


OR
You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1.You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctoligist, podiatrist, or orthopoedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

A husband went to the police station to report his wife missing:

Husband : - Ive lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : - What is her height ?

Husband: - I really never noticed.

Sergeant : - Build?

Husband: - Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : - Color of eyes?

Husband : - Never noticed.

Sergeant : - Color of hair?

Husband : - Changes according to season.

Sergeant : - What was she wearing?

Husband: Dress/suit/ I dont remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : - yes.

Sergeant : - What kind of car was it?

Husband : - Black Audi A8 with super charged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power with an eight-speed trip-tonic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant: - Don't worry sir.......We will find your car.

I sure am glad y'all are picking up FIT's slackin'. Kuz that dawg ain't been posting jokes lately. That's the real reason he's in the dawg house.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."


Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

Sometimes when I read this thread I get deja vu. Not from hearing jokes that I told when I was in grade school, but from people posting the same joke multiple times.

The scary part is when they all sound new to you, Rick!

John, not that old...

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

RickBeer wrote:Sometimes when I read this thread I get deja vu. Not from hearing jokes that I told when I was in grade school, but from people posting the same joke multiple times.

Rickbeer: Did you read the whole joke? just askin'

Like re-gifting

I was shopping at the Arizona Mills Mall the other day and was getting hungry, so I stopped by the food court to grab a bite. I sat down at a table and noticed this teenage girl standing by a nearby post. She had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue. I kept staring at her and finally, she caught me staring at her. When the girl had had enough of my staring, she sarcastically asked: “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
I almost choked at her comment but I politely responded without skipping a beat: “Well, young lady, I got stoned once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.”

A Lutefisk Story:

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Gunderson Lutheran Hospital in La Crosse for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to find a supply of his rare blood for a transfusion during surgery. However, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out around the world.

Finally, near Fingal, North Dakota, a Norwegian was located who had the right blood type. The Norwegian, whose name was Ole, willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent Ole, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a pile of diamonds and several million dollars of South African gold coins.

Many days later, once again the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Ole who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent Ole a thank-you card and five pounds of lutefisk. Ole was shocked that this time the Arab did not reciprocate with a new car, diamonds, and money.

He phoned the Arab and said, 'I thought dat you vould be generous again, and dat you vould give me anudder BMdubleU and diamonds and money. But you only gave me a tank-you card and some lutefisk!'

To this the Arab replied, 'Ya, but now I haf Norvegian blood in my veins so I gotta tink tvice before I spend my money.'

True story---I was in the gym locker room getting ready to leave and 2 guys walk in and one says to the other, "did I lick your armpits at the waterpark today"? Hey, I don't judge but that's just gross no matter what you're in to.
I couldn't get home to a cold one fast enough.

Check your hearing?

Oh no, I might need reading glasses but my hearing is fine.