BeerBorg

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a
house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.


He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have
any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out
the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter
home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the
disease..

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed
and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran
over my FROG!'

A guy has been sitting at the bar with the same drink in front of him for hours. The bar tender says to him, "Buddy, that drink has to be pee warm by now. Why don't you order a fresh one?"

"No thanks," the guy replies. "If I drink too much then I'll get sick, throw up and get some of the throw-up on my shirt. Then, when I get home my wife will yell at me because she'll have to wash my shirt."

"That's not a problem, "the bar tender says. "You got a five dollar bill?" The guy nods his head. "Well put that five dollar bill in your shirt pocket. Have fun tonight and, if you get sick and get throw-up on your shirt, tell your wife some one else threw up on your shirt but they gave you five dollars to get it washed."

"You're a genius!" the guy says. He puts the five dollar bill into his shirt pocket and proceeds to have a good time. But, of course, he drinks too much, gets sick and gets throw-up on his shirt. So when he staggers through the front door at home the wife is waiting for him and begins to yell at him about his condition and the throw-up on his shirt.

"No wait," he tells his wife. "This aint my throw-up. Some one else threw up on my shirt. And they gave me five bucks for the washing." He pulls his pocket open for the wife to see.

"Oh," she says. "Well that was nice. But what's the other five dollar bill for?"

The guy looks in his pocket and, sure enough, there's a second five dollar bill in there. "Oh," he says. "That's from the guy that crapped in my pants."

Female Medical Examination

During a lady's medical examination, the British
doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood
pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that
gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is
interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- lawanswered.

"But you're naked" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whisper sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, ...whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

Hey! Check out the new coffee mug I'm gonna get...

I WANT one of those mugs!!!

They were going to make a mug for Mr. Romney, but he wasn't running. Then he said he might run, then he wasn't sure, then he spent a few weeks deciding, then said he wasn't running. Then he said it was "unlikely".

Instead of a mug, there is a Mitt Romney Magic 8-ball that he shakes and "can't decide" always is the answer.

That mug is disrespectful to the Office of the President. Whether you agree or disagree with the policies or politics of whomever is in the Oval Office, the office deserves respect.

Lighten up Rick. You never laughed at Nixon? Or W? Here, I'll help you out:

During the second Iraq war, (Is this one the third? I'm confused) VP Cheney went into the Oval Office to tell President Bush that some coalition troops had been killed.
"Mr President, I want to tell you before your press conference, that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
The president was visibly shaken, and put his head in his hands. When he regained his composure, he asked the VP:
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"Okay. Just tell me how many is a brazillion?"


Of course, neither the VP nor the president could answer that question in 2015!

RickBeer wrote:That mug is disrespectful to the Office of the President. Whether you agree or disagree with the policies or politics of whomever is in the Oval Office, the office deserves respect.

The mug says NOTHING about the Office of the President.

I have no problem with jokes about any president, in office or out of office. Flipping the bird at the president is in my opinion, which you may not share, disrespectful.

I think it would be. But no one really is. I'm not sure the cup is even real, it looks photoshopped. In any case, I'm sure Chuck means no offense. I'll bet if he met the president, he'd be polite. I know I would. Heck, I've already been polite to 1 NYC Mayor, Two County Executives, a couple of Congressman, assorted local politicians and more than one felon!

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Alabama
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.