BeerBorg

RickBeer wrote:I have no problem with jokes about any president, in office or out of office. Flipping the bird at the president is in my opinion, which you may not share, disrespectful.

The Office of President deserves all the respect in the world. The person serving in that Office gets only the the respect he/she deserves.

Chuck N wrote:

RickBeer wrote:I have no problem with jokes about any president, in office or out of office. Flipping the bird at the president is in my opinion, which you may not share, disrespectful.

The Office of President deserves all the respect in the world. The person serving in that Office gets only the the respect he/she deserves.

+1000

A guy walks into a bar and buys a beer. While drinking the beer he realizes that Donald Rumsfeld and - then - President George Bush are sitting in a dark corner of the same bar talking quite intently to each other. So he walks back to the corner.

"I can't believe I'm in a bar and here the two of you are," He says. "What are you two doing here?"

Rumsfeld looks at the guy, then at Bush and then says to the guy, "We're planning on how to take over the world."

"Really!" The guy says. "Wow! This is great. So, can you tell me how you're planning to do it?"

Again, Rumsfeld looks at Bush and then says to the guy, "Well, first we're going to go over to the Middle East and kill about a million Muslims. Then we're going to come back here to the U.S., find the best looking blond we can find and kill her too."

The guy is appalled. "What the Hell do you wanna killed a good looking blond for?"

Rumsfeld looks at Bush again and says, "What did I tell you? No one gives a shit about a million Muslims."

Condom use on an aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
‘Rear toilet?’ he suggests. ‘Five minutes’ ... she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

A sharp-eyed stewardess noticed them, and realised what they're up to.

She humiliates them making an announcement over the PA system.

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking?

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I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, minding my own business and
patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming
traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans,
with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a
"Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" Death to America " and
took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection
and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing
everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

There was a North Dakota Bell phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"

Probably seen before, but suffer through it:

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I’m calling my husband. He's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we’re out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call him at home?'

'Lard ass.'

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there
was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said,
"come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and
continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Shirley
(my wife) called him a "shithead." He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets
he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our
bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with
Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're
retired.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately . "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: “ How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that’s good. Remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”