BeerBorg

Thanks philm00x!

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by the President and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in The United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! – The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?"
He wailed. "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are an American, you have to fend for yourself."

Why Go to Church?

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was
time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and
(2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to
church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"


The Picnic
A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of
July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know
what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's
prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break
down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your
wedding."


The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really
boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.


Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their
religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.
I am Presbyterian and this is a casserole."


The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is
lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside
down from a telephone pole."


The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar
bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a
conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las
Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York ,
performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your
lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the
Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While
they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son
what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good
as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

BrewDemon wrote:Thanks philm00x!

you're welcome!

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

Death to all fanatics!

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!!

Three guys are riding in their truck while drinking beer, having a good ol' time.The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!""No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?"The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.

"Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

Today I opened the front door and placed a Remington 30.06 right in the doorway. I put 6 shells beside it, then left it and went about my business. While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near the front of our house. After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it. It hadn't moved itself outside. It certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world.

Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat.