BeerBorg

Beer-lord wrote:Is sex work or pleasure?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man

LOL
"Don't call me sir, I work for a living!"

I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.

People who teach drivers' education are roads scholars.

The early bird still has to eat worms.

Definitions from a Washington Post competition:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Ole is the pastor of the MN Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Hans is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said





As a WI car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Pastor Hans agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,

Senior's Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with ya'll

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this..

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open th e front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid..

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..



Sincerely,
The Dog

When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family was there to console me.

Television sets in Britain must be tuned to the English Channel.

If you send a letter to the Philippines put it in a Manila envelope.

FrozenInTime wrote:How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with ya'll

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this..

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open th e front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid..

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..



Sincerely,
The Dog

FIT,

You made my lady laugh out loud with that one.


Rick

FrozenInTime wrote:How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with ya'll

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this..

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open th e front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid..

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..



Sincerely,
The Dog

I knew cats were good for something....sorry Inkleg

Inkleg's cats aren't good for the toilet...no scrub brush ability. Now the dishwasher, totally different.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."


First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Cletus & Yankeedag

Cletus is passing by Yankeedag's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Yankeedag doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Yankeedag ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Yankeedag..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do… something sexy toa tractor."

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Alabama.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally
destroyed with only a burned hull left
smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself.
Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting histractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...
But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

FrozenInTime wrote:Cletus & Yankeedag

Cletus is passing by Yankeedag's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Yankeedag doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Yankeedag ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Yankeedag..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do… something sexy toa tractor."

Hey! You said you would tell!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.

"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."